My real blog post

This past weekend we went to my brother in law's 30th birthday party, and while standing in their kitchen I happened to notice their calendar.  It had two things on it for the entire month.  I stood in awe and amazement and perhaps a little bit of jealousy.  What I would give to only have two things on our calendar.  We have two calendars just to keep track of everything.  Our lives have become a hectic semi-organized litany of doctors appointments, OT/ST/PT therapy sessions, phone calls to medical equipment suppliers, coordination of services, driving to/from daycare and grandma's house, etc etc etc.  Throw on top of that doctor's appointments for me (with my own health issues), working full time, laundry, cleaning, cooking, dishes, grocery shopping, taking care of the house, picking up prescriptions, and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my husband, and there are times that I don't stop moving until my head hits the pillow at night.  I do have to say that my husband helps out a TON with the housework, cooking, and cleaning, and I am very blessed to have him so I'm not doing it all alone.  Even so, I wake up in the morning completely tired, drained, and just plain exhausted.

I think sometimes its so easy for us to get caught up in the day to day activities of caring for our miracles that we forget to take care of ourselves.  We are so busy, crazy busy, that by the end of the day we are too tired to think about doing anything for us.  I think that's when the problems start to creep in.  We just go through the motions of daily life but don't really LIVE it.  Burnout, exhaustion, and functioning on auto-pilot.  Caregiver burnout is a very real thing, and should be taken as seriously as any other health issue.  Taking care of a miracle (depending on their medical situation) can be a full time job for several people put together.  Sometimes we try to take all of that on ourselves.  We have to remember we are human too, and can only do so much.  If we just go, go, go without a break, we will reach the point where someone needs to take care of us.   Sometimes, we need help.

 

And I think that's where I am.  My daughter is coming up on her 3rd birthday in December.  We have started the transition from Early Intervention over to the school district.  Meetings and paperwork abound.  We just switched formulas again, but she won't drink the new one either.  I count every calorie, every ounce she gains or loses.  Winter is coming upon us and I am nervous, will she be as sick as she was last year?  Will I miss as much work?  I am in a new job that is much more demanding of my time and energy, but we need the money so I have to do well.  My doctors are changing some of my medications around, and although I know that the end result will help me better, the change itself is always difficult.  My car is falling apart.  Money is tight.  Bills are everywhere.  My stress level is through the roof.  On top of all that, my husband and I started fighting.  A lot.  For years, 95% of our conversations have been about Elizabeth, and somewhere along the way we lost the ability to communicate about anything else without  a fight ensuing.  We have been so focused on our daughter that everything else went by the wayside.  We are now in couples therapy to work on our communication skills, and to try to learn healthy ways of dealing with the stress level in our lives.

 

So I guess the point of my rant is this:  so many times I read blog posts that are uplifting, encouraging, positive, optimistic.  Sometimes when I read those posts I feel like there's something wrong with me because I don't feel that way too.  Like, am I the only one who gets exhausted and discouraged and depressed?  Am I the only one who cries in the shower because that's where I can get 5 minutes alone?  I don't think I am ... so I wanted to do a different blog post and talk about how hard this can be sometimes.  How much other people just don't get it.  How stressed we are, how tired we are.  How overwhelming this journey can become.  How we acknowledge the strength it takes to be a MOM, but sometimes we just get so tired of having to be strong.  We want to relinquish our superhero status sometimes.  And how important I think it is that we acknowledge that.  The lives we live are not easy.

 

But at the same time, I want to stress how important it is to take care of yourself.  So often we put our children first and make sure their needs are met (as any MOM does). But in doing so, are we putting ourselves into burnout mode?  We need to occasionally take time for ourselves, and take time for our marriages/relationships.  What good am I to my daughter if I'm falling apart and exhausted?  What good are we to Elizabeth if we are fighting?  I have to put myself first sometimes so that I am able to be a better parent to her and a better wife to my husband.  We have to put our marriage first so that we can be loving, kind, attentive parents to Elizabeth.  Much easier said than done.  Although my husband and I are making a concerted effort to make time for just the two of us, and we are going to couples therapy, I have a much harder time taking care of me individually.  I am trying, though.  I go and get my nails done once a month.  A few weeks ago I got my haircut (first time in a year).  A little bit of "me" time.  I make sure I can make it to my own doctors appointments.  That's really it.  I know there is more to it than that, and I am working on taking care of me, so I can better take care of her.  I think we are all working on that.  But it's hard, it's really hard.

 

[caption id="attachment_6783" align="alignleft" width="224"] Me and my miracle, cuddling by the campfire one night when I was just terribly overwhelmed with it all, and burying my face in her hugs was all I could manage to do.[/caption]

 

So this blog post may not be uplifting, or optimistic, or enlightening.  It may not teach you anything new.  But this blog post is real, this is from my heart.  I want to acknowledge to all the MOMs out there how hard this journey is.  I have had a very rough couple of months, and I wanted to write this to let you know that you are not alone.  We all struggle, we all cry, we all are overwhelmed.  We all go through good phases and bad.  We get tired of being strong all the time, it's exhausting.  Never think you are alone.  You are surrounded by an army of MOMs who can relate to what you're going through.  Try to take some time for yourself, if you can, even if its 5 minutes a day.  Take some time for the relationships in your life so they don't disintegrate.  Recognize that its ok to have bad days, or bad weeks, but remember that it won't stay that way.  The one good thing about life is that it is always changing, so the bad we have today may be gone tomorrow.  Above all remember to take care of YOU, so that you can be the best possible MOM to your miracle.

 

And for all you MOMs having a rough time, I am sending love and hugs your way ...