Like a trance you immediately came over me, the love I felt becoming more powerful by the day. I had a new strength I did not know existed within me, a will to stand and fight wars of words, to overcome obstacles out of the realms of this world to protect you. You quickly became the only thing I truly needed, the one thing I did not realize I was missing in this life. You became my everything.
Like an instant change of course you became my future, the clarity I had never had before. Every single plan now surrounded you; things I did not even know could be desired for were now my only focus. My every will to become a better human was to make you proud of the person you would one day call Mom. I wanted different for you. I wanted better.
Like a constant motivation you drove me to treat my body like the temple it always should have been. I had an untamable desire to keep it a perfect place for you to grow. Every single; bite, step, and hour of sleep carefully calculated to be sure that you would continue to thrive. If only it could have been that simple.
Like a flash the winsome world that you had created with your presence abruptly turned to shades of grey. The eight weeks of perfection that had been your life had become endangered by symptoms that were getting worse by the hour and words spoken by carefree doctors in cold emergency rooms. The echo of “threatened abortion,” still haunts me to this day.
Like an instinct I knew when you were gone. As your heart beat slowed to a stilled silence, so did the parts of me that had any will to keep moving. A certain death overcame my very being; a pain enough to match the love I once had living deep inside of me, a despair masking any joy I once had. I could not remember how I even used to breathe before you.
Like a forced sense of self-worth I had to will myself to survive. The person I had been before you ceased to exist. You came into this world forever changing me and then left, taking pieces of me with you. I had to continue with what was left of me, however small those pieces may be.
Like a tattered sailboat drawn to the shore, I came to find my solid ground. It hurt me to think of what had become of the person I wanted so badly to be for you. I needed to do better, not only for my own well being, but because to not do so was to openly admit to myself that losing you left me no longer your mother, and that was a thought I simply could not bear.
Like a prayer I carry you inside my heart to this day. The nine years that have passed without you often seem like an eternity compared to the nine weeks I held you. The very foundations of the mother I am today are owed to your existence. Not a day goes by where you are not in my thoughts. Four children now to fill my arms and I still wonder what it would have been like to hug five. I know one day we will be reunited, until then I will continue to live on knowing I was blessed to love you your whole life.
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