My Daughter is Autistic and That is Okay

Recently, someone who had not yet had the pleasure of meeting our daughter asked me to describe her.  We were inquiring about placing her into a playgroup at their facility and they were curious as to how she would operate within the group having, well, autism.  More specifically they wanted to know if she could get along with other children and follow direction from adults.  I explained that while following direction is sometimes hard for her, we have special cues for her that help her stay on track and that she gets along well with other children.  They were hesitant yet glad to hear it of course, and I could not help but feel I was talking about enrolling our furry family member into doggy daycare, instead of our six year old daughter to a playgroup.

As the conversation went on the all too often question finally came of “just how autistic is she.”  We get it all of the time, from those who have fears of just how difficult she will be to work with, to those who meet her and are surprised when she does not quite meet their stigmatic expectations.  I explained that our daughter is considered high functioning and that many times those who do not understand how broad the spectrum is or what they are looking for may not even realize upon meeting her that she in fact has autism.  Before I could continue to explain how this often makes things difficult for her, the person on the other end of the phone exclaimed “oh that’s great,” undeniably satisfied that my daughter’s autism would not get in the way of the happy environment they had created for their other families.  Though the clear attitude received that autism is somehow an insult; to my child, to our family, or to others, made my stomach drop, it is clearly a bigger problem that falls far outside the length of this one phone conversation.

 

1. Autism is not an insult.  More often than not when we explain that our daughter is on the milder end of the spectrum people react as though they are relieved for us, and often themselves, that she may not “appear” as autistic as they originally imagined based off of their often limited views of what autism is.  Although I know this reaction is not meant to harm and is only natural having likely never experienced truly loving someone with autism, the reaction is most unnecessary.  We just don’t view it as a rampant negativity.


2. Autism does not define our child, but it is a part of her.  Our daughter is who she is with or without the label of autism.  She is defined by the light possessed within her very being, not by a disorder.  With that said having autism has shaped how she sees the world and interacts within it.  Being afraid of my daughter’s autism is like saying you are afraid of my daughter, but only you are not looking at all of her, you are only looking at the parts of her you find difficult to relate to and understand.


3. Our daughter needs acceptance in group activities just as much as those group activities need her.  We aren’t placing our differently abled daughter into playgroups at the unfortunate expense of other families.  While it is true that the best way to teach an autistic child social skills is to integrate them with other children, it is also true that the best way to teach typically developing children social acceptance is to integrate them with children who are differently abled.  The best part is that kids are often the last to see these differences in the same light that adults do.  Stop worrying about the negative effect my daughter could have on other children, and start embracing the positive.


4. Telling us she does not seem autistic is not a compliment, although I know it is often offered as one.  As previously mentioned the fact that our daughter has autism is in no way an insult to who she is.  Comments like this one more so go to show that too many have a preconceived notion of what autism is and that it is somehow bothersome that our daughter has been “labeled” with it.

 

Much of the world is still clearly lacking awareness when it comes to such a highly prevalent developmental disorder.  While the current statistics from the CDC are showing 1 in 68 children have been identified with a pervasive developmental disorder, most people still only refer to that one guy they knew back in high school, or the key autistic character on a popular television show.  The spectrum is much broader than you think and since each person also is born with their own personality and family structure it makes each person with autism unique, just like the rest of us without.

Our daughter is autistic and that really is okay.  We, more than anyone, are fully aware of what that means when it comes to her.  We never mind people inquiring, but the approach is often rather off.  It is not her autism that is frightening or hurtful, it is other people’s views of what that diagnosis means for her that is.  I cannot speak for everyone who has a child with autism or different developmental needs, but I can tell you what would be a much better way to approach this situation when it comes to our daughter.