Would I change a thing??

Some recent events that I have read or heard about got me really thinking.. If I knew what I knew now and had a choice to live with what is my now normal with my special needs child or choose to not have them at all.. Would I change a thing?? Would you??

If someone sat you down with a television in front of you and first you were able to see your life as it is now.. life with your special needs child. All the appointments, all the worry, all the unknown. Every tear, every angry at the world moment in tears and fear, angry at how unfair this is for your child and your family. Every hurt, knowing how hard it is for your child to do things that come so easily and taken for granted by others. Every stare, every rude comment, every pity look.. Every missed dinner, night out time with friends because you couldn’t leave your child or wouldn’t. Every missed moment with your spouse or missed vacations because your special needs child needed you. Financial burdens because of medications, equipment, gas to get to and from numerous appointments and therapies. Every set back. Every moment your other children miss out on with you because your special needs kiddo needs more attention and help. Constantly comparing, noticing the differences between your child and others their age and bursting into tears at any given moment because it doesn’t seem fair. But also, every cuddle, every kiss and hug. Every over the top celebration for the little things that are BIG things. Every smile. Oh that precious smile. Every sweet little moment of quiet when you watch your sleeping angel knowing they are the biggest blessing. Seeing the hearts of those you love soften and change for the better because of your child. Seeing your son or daughter with special needs LIGHT UP when they see their siblings, when they see you. Those moments when your other children sit down and cuddle with or hug or sing to or play with your special needs kiddo, seeing the love they have for them. Seeing that compassion your children have that many don’t get the opportunity to learn. Every therapist, doctor, teacher, receptionist, fellow special needs parents that you have met during this journey. Everyone of them that have talked with you, sat quiet and let you vent. Every tear shared with them and new friendships you made with them. Every moment you felt the love and support of life long friends and the care and compassion you see in them walking this journey with you, no matter how near or far they are. Every moment you spent with your spouse crying, holding each other, reassuring each other everything will be ok, and feeling that much closer to each other because of it. A bond no one can break.

The next thing you view on that screen is your life had you chose not to have had your special needs child. You see your spouse and your other children. Life is easy, well easier. Money isn’t as much of a struggle. You have a savings. You take vacations, go out to dinner. You are able to make more nights out with your friends and spouse. But life gets busy still. Soccer games, school functions. Life is “normal”..

What would you choose… a Life that is “ Normal”, or a life that is with a tougher journey?? I know some may say if they could choose they think it would be better for everyone to choose the normal. Their child wouldn’t have to grow up struggling, fighting, being hurt, treated unfair and as a parent you wouldn’t have to deal with so much hurt, sadness, anger, exhaustion.

But for me, I would choose all over again for the life I have now. I don’t believe I should have the choice, its not my choice its God’s and I believe my daughter was designed and made special for our family, to CHANGE us.. but if I had a choice I would choose our normal, our life with our special needs daughter. My daughter is a BLESSING!.. yes it makes me sad she has to struggle and work so hard to do little things. Yes it makes me angry that others put limits on her or have pity for her and for my family. Yes I am exhausted ALL THE TIME! Yes I miss out on so many get togethers with my friends and it tears me apart.. I miss them so much and hope they know I love them and want to be there. Yes money is tight. Yes my boys deserve so much more of my time and attention..BUT I am so thankful for every moment.. Every exhausting night. I am so thankful for every moment that has brought tears but also brought my husband and I closer together and made us stronger, oh so much stronger. As a couple and as individuals.. I wouldn’t trade a single smile from my baby girls face. I enjoy those moments I get to celebrate with my daughter and family and friends for little things my girl accomplishes. I enjoy sharing about my daughter and my boys with my family and friends and hearing all the amazing things their kiddos are doing.. I Love being able to share a little about my daughter with others, even strangers when they ask and then learning about someone “special” in their life.. I wouldn’t trade a single second.. Every moment with each of my children is a blessing.. I wouldn’t change it. I believe God allows some children to be born special to allow others to learn compassion, care, love and a deeper understanding of how much God loves us. My daughter I know is so much stronger and determined and loving then anyone I know because of her journey and struggles. My boys have developed a deeper love for their sister because of their journey with her. My husband and I are closer and more in love then we have ever been. This life is a journey we would choose over and over again.. Yes we wish sometimes things were easier for her.. she deserves that. We want her to be able to do things like walk and talk and sing.. but its not up to us or in our timing.. God has a plan.. I would keep every bad day, every good day.. every moment just to see that little smile and be given one of her slobbery wet kisses

What would you choose?

This post was written by guest blogger, Leanne Dillingham.

Leanne is MOM to Alyssa. Alyssa was due Jan of 2011. After issues with preterm labor and a very scary
emergency C-section, Alyssa was born on November 18th 2010, 33 weeks pregnant. Alyssa spent her first month in the NICU and had multiple issues there. When she was finally able to come home a couple weeks before Christmas, we thought the hard part was over. As time went on we noticed different things with Alyssa. She was progressing with development but very slowly. She didn't crawl till well after 2. She had genetic testing done and we found out that she has a genetic mutation that they don't have anyone else on file that has it yet. She is developmentally delayed and has microcephaly. She has seen many different doctors and therapists, and keeps us very busy. She is 4 now and she doesn't walk or really talk yet but we have faith one day she will. We are a family of faith and believe that God blessed us with this little miracle and she has taught us so much. She is such a blessing to our family and we are so thankful to be on this journey with her. She adores her big brothers and they adore her.. Life is good. Not always easy but good.