If you are like me perhaps the only usage of the word “elope” you knew of involved young adults and teens running off to get married without their parent’s knowledge. It was an act that was hurtful, disrespectful, and sometimes depending on the situation even dangerous. Even if you were to “google” the word elope you would come up with hits such as “elopement packages,” “5 elopement packages for low key couples,” “elopement (marriage),” but other than young adults/teens looking to get married in a hurry or couples looking to get married privately there is another much more dangerous version of elopement many have heard about, but very rarely would associate with the term.
So What is Eloping?
Even if you were to look the term up in a dictionary, it has it listed in several different ways, but all of the definitions I have incurred add up to one thing “a secret departure, with no known whereabouts, especially to become secretly married or cohabit with a loved one.” These definitions only carry a half truth, and this is something that needs to change, especially to those of us in the special needs community who have loved ones who engage in eloping, no pun intended.
Eloping is very common in children with Autism Spectrum Disorder, and it has nothing to do with marriage. According to Abby Twyman “Elopement is when a person leaves an area without permission or notification which usually leads to placing that individual in a potentially dangerous situation,” (Twyman, Abby M. ED, 2012). Elopement happens very frequently within the Autism community almost as often as seen in the Alzheimer’s community. Usually the likelihood of elopement (wandering, fleeing) increases with the severity of Autism, but can also be seen in children with high functioning autism, especially if they struggle with impulse control. Recent surveys conducted have shown that half of all children on the spectrum have struggled with some type of eloping behavior.
Eloping is Not Just a Problem for the Nonverbal
One of the most common misconceptions, even amongst the special needs and medical community, with a child on the spectrum who wanders, is that they will only engage in such activities if they are low functioning or non verbal. This is a frustrating and dangerous misconception. I can tell you this from experience. Our daughter is seven years old, and very verbal, more verbal at times than her siblings who are not on the spectrum and yet there is a difference between speaking and appropriately communicating. There is also a difference between appropriately communicating and being able to control your impulses, have safety awareness, social awareness, and be able to link cause with effect appropriately. We even thought ourselves the older our daughter got the less likely she would be to elope, but that has sadly not been the case. It is a dangerous and frightening set of events in our life that unfold daily. Trying to get her to fully register how dangerous her behavior is, is quite like trying to catch water in a butterfly net. It just keeps slipping right on through.
I heard a statistic a few weeks ago that nearly 90% of all deaths that resulted from elopement were drowning accidents. That same week we found our autistic daughter happily swimming in the kiddie pool out back while we were all soundly sleeping in our beds. That was our breaking point. The sheer terror of knowing all the possibilities was more than a wakeup call it was pure torture. I emotionally broke down.
Please know if you are reading this and are feeling ashamed not knowing what to do about your own child’s eloping behaviors that you are not alone, and you are not an irresponsible parent. My husband and I are well equipped with training and degrees that should make us more than qualified to be able to manage the difficulties that come with raising a child on the spectrum, but despite its ups, there are so many downs. It is not by any means an easy sailing sea.
Our daughter has put more than grey hair on my head these past few months; escaping, making her way into neighbors’ homes, walking out the front door, making her way out or over a 6 foot privacy fence, and even finding a way to pry open her second floor window. We are constantly having to find solutions for all of these matters, and sometimes I do cry myself to sleep wondering if we'll ever be one step ahead of her. At the pint size of only fourty-four inches and pounds I often wonder how she is even able to manage the physicality of some of these things, but she is, so we have to be prepared, literally at all times.
What Can be Done About Eloping
We have had to take several measures here over the past several months to keep our daughter safe. The first step for us personally, and everyone is going to have different causes and escape routes for their child, was to remove any large furniture from her room that she could climb. This would keep her safe from trying to open and get out her window. Thankfully her windows are well above her head, and unless she builds a staircase of books, which she may one day decide to do, she should be safe for now.
The second thing, because she is verbal and able to tell us at least some of her needs, was to figure out what would help her sleep better at night, when she was usually trying to elope. For her it was to not sleep in a bed and sleep in a smaller space. So, we turned her closet, open door with a mattress, into a small sleeping cove, and she has been much happier sleeping there. She had already blown through nearly every sleep medication out there and despite that was still having night time safety issues, so at that point we were truly willing to try anything as long as she was happy, safe, and sleeping.
The third thing was to install door alarms on her bedroom door and all of our outside doors. We placed them high up where she cannot reach them, since they do have on off switches. They have so far been a deterrent, and when they haven't been, we have quickly been able to catch her walking out the door. The good news is that they are relatively cheap. The only bad news is if your child is extremely sensory defensive you may have trouble getting them to walk out the door when you want them to.
The fourth thing we did was buy a Road ID bracelet. This was an easy way for us to put her information down on a bracelet that was comfortable enough for her to wear, but not easy for her to take off. That way, if she did wander and someone found her they could call us as well as be aware of the fact that she has not only autism, but some medical problems that may need to be addressed if she has been gone for any length of time.
The fifth thing we did was sign her up for a service called Project Life Saver. I know not every area in the country has one yet, but if your area does or a similar service I would highly suggest it, even if your child has not eloped more than once. If they have even begun toying with the idea of wandering it is time. Project Life Saver is a bracelet with a GPS tracker in it that is run by your local police precinct. That way when you call 911, in the case that you have to, you tell them your child is missing and is a Project Life Saver member. They immediately can start tracking them. It cuts their search time down to three hours down from 36 hours. The difference between three hours and thirty-six hours is the difference between life and death for a child.
Eloping is Something We all Need to be Aware Of
Whether you are a special needs parent or not, eloping is something we all need to be aware of. It could literally mean the difference of a child being returned home to their parents or not. There is no type of parent who has an autistic child who wanders. Autism and other types of special needs come with all types of struggles and eloping is just one of them. It is very hurtful to see comments on news media posts when a special needs child wanders, from community members like; “where were the parents,” “those parents should be in jail.” “I bet the parents are scum,” “that child should be removed from the parents when he/she is found,” etc, every single time a child with autism or special needs elopes and it gets broadcast. I will say it again, there is NO type of parent whose autistic child wanders. It can happen to anyone and it literally only takes a second. Even with all of our safety guards in place the scary and sad truth is our daughter could get out tomorrow while one of us is in the bathroom, because she saw a butterfly out the window she wanted to follow, or thought she heard the Ice Cream truck.
The quicker we see eloping as something we all need to help each other with, the quicker all of our children will be safer. Let’s stand together, hold hands, form a line, and help each other out. We can’t point fingers if we are grasping each other’s hands.
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